He was supposed to be my oppa, my crying shoulder and my defender. I never imagined that the twist of faith will turn me to realize what I felt for him is not what I thought it would be… I didn’t know he existed before. We are enrolled in different schools and don’t even take a single glance when coincidentally be together in inter-schools’ activities. I only heard of is name, of how such guy so talented landed the earth. Yes, he is so popular especially to the girls. He’s a dance icon and a leader-type of guy. He has this thing in him that makes students even teachers proud of him. I heard he’s the president of both the school’s Student Council and the Dance Troupe. One more thing is that he carries the #10 in their school’s soccer team which means he is the team’s striker and the ace player. I heard a lot of things about him yet I never had the chance of meeting him in person. I have no time though. Even though how beautiful he is on everyone’s’ eyes, for me he’s still a normal school-guy like anybody else. But that was I thought of him before until I joined our church’s choir and discovered his true self, of who Lee Donghae oppa really is.
Knowing him isn’t that easy. My first day with the group is a full of tense for me. I’m a bit shy because I am such an outcast. All of them came from the same school while I’m not. They all studied at the public school in our place while I’m the only one among them who’s in private. There are pretty much students in public compared to private schools and our choir members can prove that. Since he’s the Sunbae of the group and the one who handles us, he was the one who introduced me to the group. I thought they will treat me as something they can pull their pranks to but what I expected turned the other way around. They are friendlier compared to my mates at school. I got to know each other very well especially Suh Gin. Through Su Gin sshi, I learned a lot about Donghae oppa. They’re a bit close since they are both officials of their student council and the Dance troupe, too. Since Su Gin don’t have a brother, she treated Donghae oppa as a real brother and Donghae oppa’s been grateful about it since he can have a sibling in the person of Suh Gin. Because of Suh Gin, I got acquainted with Donghae oppa and got a chance to get close to him though not so close as Suh Gin. Being Donghae oppa’s friends makes me proud of myself. The reason is that Donghae oppa isn’t just the person whom people admired. The way they see him is much different from mine. They all see him as what he is physically or should I say, they see Donghae oppa on the outside while I see him from the inside. He is more that the person they knew. Donghae oppa’s always there to give support in everything you need as long as he can make it. He puts others first than himself. He always lend his ears to hear you out, his arms to hug to warm you from sadness, his shoulder for you to cry on, his hands to help you and his heart to give all the love he has. That’s the reason why we are so happy to have him in the choir. It’s been three years and we’re still in the choir but can’t sing every mass because we’re busy studying. We are in college right now and the only means of contacting each other is through our cell phones. An email from Suh Gin or from Donghae oppa can make my day complete. I haven’t have friends like them at school that’s why I’m happy to get an email or a call from them. I enjoyed Donghae oppa’s emailed jokes and kept reading it over and over. Eve though they’re so far, the memories we’ve shared makes me feel that they’re right beside me, so near. I think that’s friendship.
I thought being a freshman in college is so hard but when my phone beeps early in the morning with Donghae oppa’s message that surely makes my day beautiful and Suh Gin’s message at night makes me think I can surpass college without sweat. I thought this day-to-day of exchanging e-mails will not mend until one morning. It was my birthday then that I waited for the morning to come to read Donghae oppa’s e-mail to me. I decided not sleep until I will receive oppa’s e-mail. I am pretty sure that he’ll be the first person who will greet me “Happy birthday”. My cell did ring. I was so excited and picked it up quickly. My hands been trembling, my heart is pumping abnormally and feels like my stomach shakes. I opened my phone but suddenly the big smile that was painted on my face before vanished as I disappointedly opened Suh Gin’s e-mail saying, ”Saeng il chukkae yo, Yoona sshi.” Why am I feeling this? I must be happy, it is Suh Gin, my friend who greeted me and I bet she sacrificed waking up so early just to greet me on my special day. Why am I sad? I just replied,”Suh Gin sshi, go ma yo”, placed my cell phone on the table and returned to my bed until I fell asleep. The sun was up when I woke up. I quickly got up from bed and grabbed my cell phone hoping that Donghae oppa sent an e-mail while I am asleep but it turned out that his name wasn’t among the e-mail senders. I checked my voice mail, but still there’s no message coming from him. It’s strange how come he forgot to greet me on my birthday. And these strange things continued the next day and the next.
It’s been months without getting e-mails and news from Donghae oppa. That’s why I phoned Suh Gin to ask. “It’s impossible!” that’s what she said to me. She added that Donhae oppa’s been sending her e-mails but not those that says, “Wake up or you’ll be late.” Or “you must eat breakfast before going to school.” She said, Donghae oppa’s been sending her forwarded messages and are all sad ones or ones to ponder. She bet that Donghae oppa’s been problematic these days that one night he phoned Suh Gin and seems like he’s drunk and is crying. I felt my heart been crumpled listening to Suh Gin’s news. I closed my eyes. I can see Donghae oppa’s angelic face. I remembered the times when we were singing together in the choir. He has this cold hoarse voice that can lift up souls. He sings with his heart out. His sweet smile, he never loses it even once. He is a happy person. What makes him that sad? “Yah, Yoona! Are you still there?” Suh Gin’s voice makes me open my eyes. “Yeah, I’m still here.” I replied. She then continued that she heard that Donghae oppa’s soccer team will be playing at the Nationals this weekend and she had bought two tickets for us to see the game. Even though I have an acquaintance with the College Theater ministry that day, I did not refuse Suh Gin’s offer. It is an opportunity to see Donghae oppa once again. That day came. I did not go for practice and went to see the game.
The game already started when we arrived at the stadium. Suh Gin’s been absorbed in the game, cheering every time Donghae oppa’s team got the ball. But I am not. I am just there looking at Donghae oppa’s face. He’s gotten thinner. Feels like, he hasn’t slept for days. His cheerful aura is still there but something about him changed. The game ended without me knowing. Suh Gin is jumping of joy and that’s how I knew the game ended and they have won. Suh Gin grabbed my hand and run towards the field. She’s calling out Donghae oppa. Hearing her, Donghae oppa look towards us and gave a huge smile. I know he’s happy to see Suh Gin sshi, but does he feel the same towards me? I wonder but I was surprised when he hugged us both saying, “I’m so happy that you’re here! I think your presence is the reason why we won.” Hearing those words made me so happy.
We shared the lunchtime talking together. He sure ate a lot than usual. Now I can see his face more clearly. Yeah, seems like he had no sleep. He got big, dark eye bags. His goatee seems visible. I think he didn’t shave this day. He should take good care of himself. If only I can say that to him, but we are not that close unlike Suh Gin who can tell him everything she wants to say. I envied her so much but I can’t change the fact that I am only a member of the choir for him. He noticed my silence but did not ask me why; instead, he got something from his bag and handed it to me. I did not expect it,but he gave me a small blue box. He said I should not open it until I arrive to our dorm. I smiled as a sign of thanking him and he smiled back at me, too. I think I’m in cloud nine as he said the words “Belated happy birthday Yoona.” He did not forget my special day and even it’s a little too late, I know he will never forget. Suh Gin told him how worried I am for not hearing from him. I am so ashamed of the fact that Donghae oppa will know that I cared for him and I’m afraid that he’ll know my feelings keep hidden from him that I want to walk away from them but my heart wants me to stay – to know how he felt for me too. But to my surprise, he did not even say a word. His face hardened as if it annoys him to be cared of by me. It hurts me, really hurts me. I wanted to just burst into tears but I don’t want him to see me crying because of him. I decided to have an excuse to leave. “What time is it?” I ask to start my excuse. Donghae oppa looked at his watch wand said, “Aish! Yoona sshi, gam sa ham nida” he said. I wonder why he’s thanking me but then he added, “The team still, has a meeting today. I’m afraid I will leave you two now. I think Yoona sshi have something to do, too.” I just nodded not looking from his eyes. I’m avoiding those eyes. Those two dark brown twinkling windows of the soul can read your thoughts. I’m afraid that he can read mine that is why I’m avoiding them. We part by saying a simple “Ah nyeong hi ka se yo”.
I don’t know if I can see him again. Even though it’s impossible for me to see him without Suh Gin, I’m still hoping that someday it will happen. I’m on the train station with Suh gin when my phone rang. Iwas surprised to read Donghae oppa’s name on the screen. He sent me an e-mail? Why? This simple thing makes me felt joy. I excitedly open the message and read, “Dongsaeng, your make-up is cute but you look cuter with no make up on. It will show the real beauty in you. By the way, thanks for coming. I am so happy to see the two of you.” I am confused of the message. I did not put on make-up. I was thinking about it when Suh gin burst out, “Yah! Oppa’s so cruel. I just put on a little make-up.” I realized, the message’s for Suh gin and not for me. Why would he send it to me? I am not his Dongsaeng, I am Yoona, member of the church choir.
My phone again rang. I hesitated to open it. I’m tired of those nonsense messages. Those I’m expecting will not e-mail me but those I’m not expecting will always do. I will be happy if it’s coming from Donghae oppa, but I know it’s impossible. He’s not sending e-mails anymore. We are inside the train when my instinct told me to open my cell phone once and see who the sender. My prayer’s been heard, it’s Donghae oppa! “Yoona sshi, go ma yo for coming. I really appreciate it. Hope you like my gift.” Even though it’s a simple greeting, it made me cry because even in simple things, I made him happy. Suh Gin noticed me sobbing. She quickly turned to me and asked,” What’s the matter?” I said nothing, wiping my tears. I headed to the dorm and sank my tired body on the soft bed and close my eyes.
Slowly, Donghae oppa’s face became visible in my mind. I can hear his voice so cold echoing in my ears and his smile. I opened my eyes and he’s not there. Then I remember that small box he gave me. I wonder what’s inside, but I can’t open it. I can’t open it because I feel like I betrayed him. That gift is for his dongsaeng, his used-to-be little sister, Yoona and not this Yoona who’s falling for him. I love him in secrecy. I will only open that box when time came when this feeling I have for him will fade. But, when will it be? I can’t make this feeling stop just like that. I wish I could turn back the time. I regret joining the choir, I regret the time when I became close to him. I regret every song we sang together. But even though I regret those things, I did not regret that time I know him – which he came into my life. May my letter can show my love for him; may reach him. I know I can’t open that small box anymore. I can only open it when I will be reborn and will forget this feeling I have for him. It is my fault for falling for him. There’s only one solution to make my love for him, not to grow deeply inside me.
This night will be a memorable day for me to stop this love I have. I know loving is not a sin but betraying someone because of love isn’t love at all. I am already selfish. As I close my eyes, I want Donghae oppa’s face to appear in my mind, to be my guide, to be my light…
Red lights flickered and the sound of sirens echoed outside the dormitory that night. The dormitorians were in rage and so much shocked of the scenery.
The next morning, Donghae and Suh Gin rushed to the hospital. They did not enter the hospital’s ward anymore and is directed to go to the morgue. Suh Gin is crying while Donghae lost his grip and move towards the covered corpse on the embalming table. He slowly opened the white cloth that covers the corpse’s face and burst into tears after seeing the dead body’s face. She was Yoona! Donghae hugged her tightly and cried bitterly. Suh Gin move closer to them and held Yoona’s cold, pale hands. She cried loudly and called out Yoona’s name. Suh Gin’s emotions laid low. She’s still holding Yoona’s hand and discovered something inside her grip. Yoona’s holding something. She looked at Donghae with teary eyes. Donghae noticed the thing stucked into her hand. He cried even more seeing the blue box in Yoona’s hand still locked. Suh Gin tried to get the box from Yoona’s grip but failed. She looked at the doctor asking about that stuff but the doctor just said,” I don’t understand why I can’t get that box from her grip, so I just left it alone.” Donghae held her hand trying to open it.
All in the room was surprised to see that Donghae easily got the box from Yoona’s grip and a crumpled paper fell from her hand without him knowing.
That night, Donghae called Suh Gin to go to his pad the next morning to refresh Yoona’s memories with them. Teary eyed, Donghae asked Suh Gin not to grieve too much for their friend’s death because death is not the end but the beginning of a new life. Suh Gin remembered the crumpled paper that fell from Yoona’s hand. She looked for it in her pocket and saw it there. She straightened and read it. Her eyes widened reading the letter. It was Yoona’s handwriting and seems like the paper’s been soaked in Yoona’s tears. The letter is for Donghae that’s why she hurriedly put on her sweater and hurried to the train station.
She reached Donghae’s pad at exactly midnight. She rang the bell. No one’s answering. She knocked the door twice, thrice. Still, no one’s answering. She went to the fire exit. Luckily, she found that one of the windows was open. She climbed in and looked for Donghae. The room is in order but dim. She heard the noise coming from the television in the living room; Donghae might be there. She went there and saw Donghae sleeping on the couch in front the open television. “There you are oppa.” She said and is going to wake him up but found herself shrieking seeing blood coming from Donghae’s forehead. She shakes her oppa to wake him up but found the gun still hanging in his hand. She turned on the lights and call for the ambulance but it’s too late, Donghae is cold and DEAD! He shot himself right on the head! She cried and cried for her oppa. She cried because the two important persons in her life left her. She looked at her oppa’s face, he’s crying, the small blue box, on his hand.
The ambulance arrived and took Donghae. Suh Gin was left alone at Donghae’s pad. She got Yoona’s letter from her pocket and opened the small box that Donghae gave her friend. It was a necklace with a human heart-shape pendant. A piece of paper was attached to the necklace saying
“Sorry for not sending you emails recently. I just can’t stand it when I can confess my love to you through my messages. I want to be with you but I’m afraid that I am just the one loving you ‘coz I can feel that you only see me as a brother. Since that day you joined the choir, your voice wakes this love that’s been sleeping for years. Yoona sshi, this is my heart, I’m giving it to you now. I hope to have yours too. Saranghae yo.”
Suh Gin glanced at Yoona’s letter, a passage there says,
“...the only way to stop me from loving you is to stop my heart from beating. I better struck this heart of mine so that in my next life, I will not be able to love you. Donghae oppa, meanhae, ‘coz now, I will give you my heart…” :(
-the end-
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